Life vs. The Movies

My friends have been telling me for years that I should write a book about my ridiculous encounters with the opposite sex. Some people call these dates, but I'm not really sure I'm comfortable with this term. Sounds so formal. I think that because dating has changed so much with my generation (and younger) -- that they probably should just change the name too. Call it something like text messaging, or facebooking, or gchatting.

I thought I'd post a few blog entries on the subject... see how it goes. I honestly don't think I care to remember a whole book's worth of failed prospective relationships, but a few of these stand out in my mind as being insanely excruciating to live through, and those are likely the ones you'll read about here. In an effort to not sound braggadocious, (don't you just love that word, and the opportunity to use it?). Anyway--in an effort to not sound braggadocious, I feel I need to clarify that it's not like guys are asking me out ALL the time or anything-- but I AM like 30 yrs old and not really a long-term relationship kind of girl, so they tend to add up!

Chapter 1:
Samson

My girlfriends and I often find ourselves in a situations where we'd like to respond a certain way and then we have to stop each other and say: "Um...you DO realize this is real life.. right? Not a movie."

This is particularly true when dealing with a new romantic interest and his initial advances. I mean-- sometimes it works---- for instance, I was at a local bar about a year and a half ago when a cute, young guy walked over to me and two of my girlfriends and introduced himself as Samson. I immediately held out my hand and said, "Ha! Really?-- my name is Delilah." And he's like-- "no way, are you serious?" And I'm all, "Dead serious." My friends, don't say anything to the contrary, of course, because 1. They are awesome and 2. I do stuff like this all the time.

He asked me to dance and the rest was history. Okay, well, not "history" exactly, because we dated for the next two months, and then I broke up with him, but you get the point... Movie-esque beginning. Just not the same fairytale ending. I did end up telling him my real name, by the way. But it was after he'd bought me several cocktails.

He got my number that night and put me and my friends in a cab, then texted me a couple of days later after stalking my facebook page, asked if I wanted to "grab dinner or something." A couple of dinners, one movie, and about ONE THOUSAND text messages later, I decided it was okay if he met my friends. And this, per the usual--- is where things started to go down hill. In my experience, if there aren't already a ton of red flags popping up in the initial stages of a relationship-- you can bet they start once you introduce him to your friends.

Red Flag #1. He wasn't nice to them! Um... you think I'm kidding but he really really wasn't nice to them. Already having met Lanie and Melissa (my two accomplices at the bar), it was like he deemed this as entitlement to act like a huge jackass to them. Poking fun, mimicking their voices, judging their significant others/crushes--- that sort of thing. It wasn't just them either. It was everyone. We'd never encountered this before. What happened to kissing all of my friends arsses for at LEAST the first 3 months? I mean-- he was kidding, of course... It just wasn't funny.

Red Flag #2. This kid mumbled. Not in front of me, mind you, only in front of my friends. Someone would ask him a question and he'd vocalize something that sounded a whole lot like he had rocks in his mouth. It drove me nuts. Couldn't handle it.

Red Flag #3. He didn't like his momma. Whaaaaaaaat?! I mean-- whaaaaaaat?! I probably should have bailed right there! But I didn't.

THIS is how I bailed:
I've got a friend who keeps his boat out on one of the lakes in Nashville. Several of us went out one Sunday, and I invited Samson. He couldn't come for the whole time because of some family being in town, but he could meet us at the dock around 4pm if that was okay. I said that was fine and had an awesome time.... until HE got there.

First of all, he didn't wear a swimsuit. WHAAAT? Who comes to the lake without swimsuit? I mean, WHAT did he think he was??-- an overweight adolescent girl?!

Second of all, he was getting on my nerves! I can't explain why exactly... just a culmination of all of the above...and the MUMBLING. Arrrrgh.

So, what did I do? The mature thing, of course. I jumped in the lake, went under water and never came back up. I literally just did the dead man's float for about 2 and 1/2 hours out there until it was time to go. He couldn't do much about it, after all. He didn't even have a swimsuit!

A somewhat anti-climatic ending to such strong start, I thought. But hey--one awkward text message later, and I was free. I thought of it sort of like Karma. Not EVERY movie can have a happy ending. That, my friends, is why it's called real life!