"Need Help in the Past"

Hello bloggies and bloggerinas--

I believe this makes for my 3rd post in one month which is sure to be some sort of a record for me.  At any rate-- I MUST tell you what happened to me last week while it is fresh on my brain.  It was pretty amazing.

It all started when my bestie and much blogged about friend, Mel Trib posted the following on her facebook page last week.  She said-- "Myra-- this is your chance" and then proceeded to post the link to a craigslist ad that has now been "flagged for removal" (huge bummer).. but it read a little something like this:

NEED HELP IN THE PAST:
I am from Brandon, Mississippi and have an actual working time machine.  I know this sounds hard to believe, but it is true.  At 10am on February 21st, I will be making a trip back to 1933 to take care of some business.  I need someone to go with me.  You can be either male or female, but you must be able to lift heavy objects.  You don't need to do anything but be here by 10am on the 21st and bring $2000 cash with you (it's not for me; it's for your own personal use).   I will need for you to find someone to watch my cat while we're away.  Also--your head must not be bigger than 64 cm in circumference.

My first thought after reading this was... Um... ... ... AWESOME! 

I know some of you have never met me--but if you've ever spent any real time with me at all-- you know that I hold time travel in the highest of regards.  I even mentioned it (briefly) in this blog.  And okay-- maybe I shouldn't say "time travel" but more the "idea" of it is ---to put it simply---- AMAZING---- to me.  It's more than that really.  The idea is astounding. Intriguing. Stupendous. Tremendous--you get where I'm going with this, right?.  You need to know that I am serious.  Can't get enough of Scott Bakula--EVER.  There are multiple other reasons, but he's a pretty damn good one in and of himself-- am I right, ladies?  Anyway-- what other choice did I have but to respond to this guy.... RIGHT?  I mean-- I am right, aren't I, people?  Here is how our story continues:

Hi,
I live in Nashville but am more than willing to drive to Brandon if you can guarantee actual time travel. My friend Melissa says she will watch your cat. Let me know.

Thanks, Myra

And to my surprise and absolute delight-- he wrote me BACK!  May I present to you, Robert Myers response:

I am currently busy making preparations for the 21st.

I have gotten a number of emails regarding people who want to help so I need to pick your brain to find out if you are right for the job.

Please reply with the answers to the questions below and we shall go from there.

Application for Possible Interview

1)How much do you know about the customs of the 30s?

2)Do you have any kids?

3)Who will be watching my cat while we are away?

4)Is the above person dependable? Does he/she love animals?

5)If something goes wrong and we are stuck in 1933 forever, how upset would you be?

6)Do you have any experience in time travel other than watching the movie Back To The Future?

7)What is the exact circumference of your head?

8)Do you have neat and legible handwriting?

9)Do you have $2000 personal spending money that you could bring? (For your own personal use.)

10)Oh no! The Flux Capacitator is out of sync. If we try to travel like this it will create time paradox in which we will be stuck in an infinite loop forever. How is the best way to go about fixing this problem?

Amazing.  

But--what was a girl to do?  A tiny little angel dressed in all white and bearing the exact likeness of me appeared on my right shoulder, and said --"My, NO.  Don't write this nutjob back!  Why do you even want to?  Because it's "funny" (she used air quotes).  Listen to me and don't do it! It's too dangerous!"  But then-- a tiny little devil dressed all in black and bearing the exact likeness of me (except her hair was all moussed and diffused and curly) appeared on my left shoulder and said--- "Oh, PUH-LEASE, My!  Don't listen to HER.  This is hilarious and awesome and NOT dangerous at all because it's completely anonymous and the closest you'll ever get to the idea of actual time travel in your entire LIFE!  Plus it will make a really entertaining blog!"

So... in the spirit of being... well-- ME.  I wrote him back:

Dear Robert, 
Please see my answers below in RED.

Application for Possible Interview

1)How much do you know about the customs of the 30s?

I really only know about the fashion of the thirties.  Men wore hats and double breasted suits, wingtip shoes, Etc.  The women, I know, wore street length dresses and were more glamorous for night time functions.  Of course, in 1933, I’m sure they were still suffering from the crash of 1929, so we may be going back to a more modest era.  I will do some more research before we leave!  

2)Do you have any kids?

No kids.

3)Who will be watching my cat while we are away?

Melissa Tribble from Greenwood, Mississippi. 

4)Is the above person dependable? Does he/she love animals?

She does love animals and is experienced in pet sitting.

5)If something goes wrong and we are stuck in 1933 forever, how upset would you be?

Not that upset, honestly.  I would learn to deal. We’d just have to look at it as an adventure and never give up on the idea that we may be able to one day get back to the 21^st  century.

6)Do you have any experience in time travel other than watching the movie Back To The Future?

Quantum Leap is my favorite show.  I also LOVE Being Erica, (a show on Soapnet about a girl in her thirties who’s therapist sends her back in time to relive any and all regrets that she has).  I read The Time Travelers Wife and saw the movie.  I also really loved the Movie Kate & Leopold.  It probably taught me the most as far as “how” it all works.  Of course I’ve seen all the Back to the Future movies and love them.  I also think it is worth mentioning that in high school, I drove my grandmother’s 1985 ice blue Cadillac with white leather interior.  I wore giant cat-eyed sunglasses and refused to listen to anything but “oldies” on the radio station and we often referred to my car as “The Time Machine.”

7)What is the exact circumference of your head?

It is only 20inches around.  Probably a little bit larger if my hair is curly, but don’t worry.  I will straighten it for our trip.

8)Do you have neat and legible handwriting?

Yes I do.  I can write in cursive or just print. 

9)Do you have $2000 personal spending money that you could bring? (For your own personal use.)

Yes.  That seems like a lot of $ though… since we are going back to the 30s where things are much cheaper than today… Of course—if we get stuck there forever,  I guess I’ll need it. 

10)Oh no! The Flux Capacitator is out of sync. If we try to travel like this it will create time paradox in which we will be stuck in an infinite loop forever. How is the best way to go about fixing this problem?

 Usually – if you jolt the flux capacitor with a bolt of lightning or some other form of electricity—it syncs back up and would fix the problem. 

I am most disappointed to tell you that our story ends here.  He never responded and now I am left feeling ill-equipped and below par for the mission that will surely commence a mere 9 and 1/2 hours from now.  I guess he picked someone else to go back into 1933 with him.  RATS!  Rest assured that if this opportunity ever presents itself again--- I will rise to the challenge!  I will answer those questions with more gusto!!  (I'm thinking video message response) and I will study up on the ways of the time travelers and the customs of the thirty's via google, and I WILL be chosen the next time!!  As God is my witness-- I will be chosen!!! 

For now--it's probably best that I'm not spending 2 grand on a trip to 1933 or anywhere else for that matter.  Why, you ask?  Because I just spent all my money on my new and improved living room!  Check it out:

Before

 After

 Before

 After

 Before

After

 And for the grand finale

Tah-dah!  This is the closest I could come to capturing the whole room for you.  My brothers:

did such an incredible job on my new shelves!  Aren't they cute in that picture just working so hard?!  I just couldn't be more pleased with them.  And they did it all in a weekend, too!  I'm such a lucky girl to have such talent in the family.  Such selfless brothers too-- giving up a whole weekend to come and help me like that! Love them!  

I'm signing off for now.  Another Monday awaits!  Hope you all have a great one!  :)

Until next time,
Yours ever, 

Myra

 

Several of you out there have asked me to post with more frequency.  First of all, let me just say--thanks so much for the love!  I am really going to try to keep you, my fans, happy--- but I gotta tell ya (secondly)--- that the frequency of my posts have more to do with the randomness of my day than anything else.  If yall are okay with that-- let's get right down to it:

I like a lot of things about Nashville.   My friends, my job, my house, my neighbors, the vast array of single men in this town... and last but certainly not least:  My church.  I've been attending West End Community for over 8 yrs.  I have some great friends there, the music is AWESOME , and last week  (along with a few others) I was running just a few minutes late on Sunday and I found my preacher, Carter Crenshaw, outside the front door frantically waving his hands in the air and yelling loudly: "Come on in, Sinners!!! Yall come on in!!"  Ahahahahahaha.  Hey, it's not for everyone, but I dig it.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I dated a nerd.  You may have picked up on the fact that I don't blog much about current relationships.  The men in my life don't seem to like it (and honestly--why jinx a good thing, right?) but anything in the past is sort of in the "no holds barred" territory in my opinion.  I had one date with this dude a few months ago-- who I actually kind of liked-- but for whatever reason, he didn't like me, and I never heard from him again after that.  He was a friend of a friend and it was set-up sort of thing.  After about a week of not hearing from him--- I called my friend Melissa hoping she would be able to make me feel better.  I am paraphrasing here, but the conversation went basically like this:

Roll camera:
 
 ...  Melissa: "Oh, Myra, puh-lease and whatever!  I used to work with that guy and every Christmas he used to dress his car up like a reindeer!  I can't even believe you liked him."

Myra:  "Um.. WHAT?!  Melissa!!!  It is completely unacceptable for you to withhold this type of information from me!  I thought we were BEST FRIENDS!"

Melissa:  "We ARE best friends... but I thought you liked him so I wasn't going to say anything."

Myra:  "We are NOT best friends!  What if me and "ole what's-his-name" had worked out, Melissa?!  I can not BELIEVE you were going to just let me go through life dating a guy who dresses his car as a REINDEER at Christmas time!  I'm going to need some time to get over this."

Melissa: "Okay, fine.  Call me when you're over it.

Myra:  "Fine. I WILL. Humphf!" 


Click. End scene.

In other news--  I really hate it when someone tells me I am photogenic like it is supposed to be some sort of a compliment.  Really?!  They might as well just go ahead and say "You are SO much prettier in pictures than you are in real life."  And I am supposed to say thank you to this?  I don't THINK so.  I've started calling people out when they say this.  Try it.  You won't be sorry, I promise.  They get so awkward and it.is.hilarious.

I don't have much else for you today unless you want to talk about The Bachelor.  Okay-- you DO want to talk about the Bachelor? 

My predictions so far are that Emily makes it as one of the front-runners, and Michelle gets a hold of a gun or a knife or an ice pic from somewhere and kills every woman in the house. 
I'd post pics and links to these females if I had time, but I don't -- and really-- you all should just watch it because it's the absolute best show on television.

That's all.  The end.

Your's ever,
Myra

Bachelor Bliss and Whiskey at the Y

Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR, folks!  My 2011 is starting out a helluva lot better than 2010, let me tell you!  This time last year at my house,  I had no heat, no water, and I'm pretty sure I'd been dumped TWICE already in the new year.   I'm not kidding.  Yes-- this does mean I was seeing  two men at the same time.  Ha!  But my momma always said "not to put all your eggs in one basket", and, truthfully, THAT'S not even the reason either one of them let me go!

Anyway-- moving on.  So, it being an American tradition and everything, you all probably already know that a new season of The Bachelor kicked off on Monday night, right?  OHMYWORD-- the best show on television.  It is awesome and hilarious and painful and awkward all at the same time.  Like a train wreck from which I cannot overt my eyes!!  I can, however, cover them in moments of extreme embarrassment.  Here is a picture that Lanie took of me the other night "watching" the show.

So so so so AWKWARD sometimes, but boy, it is amazing stuff!  --Here's to Brad Womack finding love the 2nd time around.  :)

In other news, I rejoined the YMCA on Monday after a hiatus of several months.  It's just too damn cold to do anything outside anymore and with all the holiday parties and festivities over and done with, I figured it was time. I switched my membership from Green Hills to Maryland Farms because it is so much closer to my house out here in Crieve Hall.  So, I'm having to navigate my way around a new gym... which is never fun because everyone wants to look like they are an old pro in the gym, you know?  So I go in, fill out all the right forms, pay my money, and decide to stay for a workout.  They gave me a key to a locker in which to put my purse.  After an hour of cardio, abs and weight training, I had worked up a pretty good sweat and was really thirsty.  I hadn't initially planned to stay and work out so I didn't have my water bottle with me.  But then-- as I was getting my purse from the locker room-- I remembered that I had a canteen in my purse left over from New Year's Eve.  I went to a party that was BYOB, and had poured some whiskey into a canteen (a poor man's flask, if you will...) and took it with me that night.  Hey--it's all I had, okay?  So, I remember that I have it in my purse and there was probably three drinks worth of whiskey left in there, but I didn't mind to pour it down the drain in order to hydrate my sweaty, tired, worn out body.  So I opened it up and dumped it down the drain of one of the sinks in the locker room.  BIG MISTAKE, people.  HUGE. 

You might as well have been trying to change clothes in the Jack Daniels DISTILLERY after that.  I was thanking my lucky stars that I was in there all by myself right about the time this older woman (probably in her 70's) walked in and I watched her as the smell about knocked her down!  Ahahahaha--- you should have seen her face!  It looked liked someone had burned her nose hairs and she was looking all around like "where in the WORLD is this smell coming from?"  So, yall want to know what I did?

The only thing I COULD do, of course.  I chucked the canteen back in my purse, waived my hand in front of my face in a "phew wee" fashion and said, "Whoa!  Do you SMELL that???  Seriously!?  People are unbelievable."  and then hightailed it outta there!

I'm planning to go back today and am just a little bit nervous that the whole place is going to be shut down due to quarantine.  Ha! 

Here's to the new year! 

Until next time,
Yours ever,
Myra

I Heart Garth!

The first time I heard Garth Brooks was in 1998. A guy from a town thirty minutes away saw me cheering at a football game, asked his aunt for my number, (everyone in Mississippi is connected by 3 degrees or less) called me up, and asked me to go to his show at the Pyramid in Memphis.  I wasn't stoked about the idea of a date with a random dude I'd never met.  This was before the days of facebook, so I couldn't even stalk the kid in advance---But I was absolutely stoked at the idea of going to hear Garth Brooks, so I said okay. 

He showed up to my parents house a few days later in a plaid flannel button down, Wranglers, boots, a belt buckle the size of my head, and a 10 gallon cowboy hat.  Not exactly my style--since I was currently trying very hard to dress the part of a hippy/Seattle-inspired grunger. But whatever--- I was going to hear Garth Brooks!  I loved him.  Everybody did.  I loved country music then, and I still thought I was going to be famous for singing it.  I remember it was a great show.  I knew every song,  And he was such a showman!  The man was like a god in the nineties.

The second time I saw Garth Brooks was last night!!  And I'm going to go ahead and tell yall it was a lot like time traveling.. in more ways then one.  I wasn't on a blind date--thank God.  I was surrounded by some great friends

 but you know how when you hear certain songs from a certain period of time and it just takes you back there?  He did that for me with every single song he sang.  For a little while last night-- I loved being whisked away to a simpler time.  To my childhood.  To some memories I hadn't thought about in a really long time.  Like riding around shotgun with my daddy and singing "I'm much too young to feel this damn old" at the top of our lungs, and him telling me that "it was okay to say 'damn' just this one time--because it's not bad if it's in a song"...hahaha!  And I'd forgotten just how many hits the man has!  Truly astounding.  And although I'm no longer dressing like a hippy, I do attend a fair amount of folk shows.  I can't remember the last time I went to a big-time sold out show at a huge arena like that.  It's not my preference all the time, but last night was truly impressive.  You could just feel the energy in that arena. 

He was so truly genuine too.  Like he couldn't believe that he was able to sell out 9 shows in 4 hours. And he gave all the proceeds to the flood victims! At one point he said that he knew we all paid good money to hear him sing-- but his favorite thing to do was to hear US sing and then he starting playing "Unanswered Prayers" with just his guitar.  Twenty thousand people singing every word at the top of their lungs.  Pretty magical. 

He did 10 encores.  It was his fifth show this week, and he was sweaty and tired and losing his voice and he did 10 encores. 

Oh--and did I mention we had 5th row seats?!  A big shout-out to my friend Kates who hooked us up with the tickets.  :) What a great night! 

The new year can't get here soon enough for me, but I'm also looking very forward to spending Christmas in Mississippi with my family!

I"m wishing you and yours the absolute Merriest Christmas ever!  Thanks for reading my blog this year.  Your comments make my heart smile! Cheers to you all!

Yours ever,
Myra

Thanksgiving, Whitty on the Roof, and Another Win for the Bulldogs!

I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and gone already!  This year is FLYING.  My family celebrated the holiday at my sister's house this year.  My only contribution to the meal was the alcohol, (shocker)  but I also set the table.  See below.

Pretty right?  I spent the night at Sara Whitten's that night... mostly because I had eaten so much that I felt ill and didn't want to drive anywhere.  Brother Brian and I watched a movie, Robin Hood, of which I understood very little.  I think you need a little more background on that story than we had, but it didn't help matters that Sara Whitten thought she had to have her whole house decorated for Christmas before the sun set on Thanksgiving.  Loudest thing I've ever heard.  I opted OUT of helping because I was so tired from all that L-Tryptophan.


I did pitch in the next morning though.  There was a case of missing garland that I traipsed up in the attic to get... and then I played with baby girl while Sara Whitten hung wreaths on every window in the whole house.  She was serious about it too.  The window in Lilly's room upstairs was painted shut.  You can't have a house missing a window wreath (duh)-- so I convinced Sara Whitten that she needed to climb out through one of the other windows and scale the length of the house on the roof in order to hang one on the window of Lilly Whit's nursery.  It didn't take me long at all to get her to agree.  Then I did a little coaching:

Myra:  "Whitty-- now, you're going to have to get rid of those slippers and go put some tennis shoes so you have some grip.
Sara Whit: Okay, good idea. 
Myra:  Also-- you are going to need to lean TOWARD the house so gravity keeps you up there. 
Sara Whit:  Okay, Okay... Like what do you mean.
(I demonstrate)
Myra:  And you probably need to try and hang on the whole way.  Just remember-- lean TOWARD the house!
Sara Whit: Okay-- I got it.
Myra:  Lilly and I will be in here watching.  And if you do fall... it's not really all that far.  You prob won't even get hurt that badly.
Sara Whit:  MYRA!!  Okay.... Take care of my baby girl. 

And off she went.  Here is a picture of Whitty climbing onto the roof in pursuit of having the perfect holiday house! 

And here is Whitty reaching her goal of the nursery window.  I told Lilly to "Wave to momma!"  Ahahahahahaa.  It's a little dark, but I think you can make it out.

Mission accomplished!  Lilly and I were so proud of her! 

Later the next day I was looking through my pictures though, and I decided that I really needed Sara Whitten to climb back out on the roof and let me take a picture of her from OUTSIDE, in order to make this blog post a lot funnier and more effective.  She said no.

I tried persuading her further by reminding her that so far this year-- I have been flooded, dumped, and forced to spend exorbitant amounts in home improvement projects, and that she should feel sorry for me and get her happy a$s back out on that roof because I was way past due on posting something funny on my blog....   She still said no. 

Nevertheless, here is a picture of the finished project--- since I know you are all on the edge of your seat!:

Next to the Egg Bowl-- that was the most exciting thing that happened to me over the Thanksgiving holidays!  Ha.

Here is Lilly Whit ready to root the Bulldogs to Victory!!

Is that sweatsuit too cute or what?  She didn't go to the game----but we did!

Daddy and I sat together in the midst of ALL Ole Miss folks.  We could tell they hated us.  We didn't want to be annoying so we pretty much kept to ourselves except for when Mississippi State scored.  We were jumping up and down while simultaneously hugging and high fiving like it was nobody's business!!  Hahaha.  So much fun!  One Rebel fan was kind enough to take our photo. 

Goooooo Dawgs!  I still have my fingers crossed that we get the Music City Bowl and all my friends from COLLEGE come up and stay with me for the biggest pallet party this town's ever seen!  It's not looking good though  It's looking like Atlanta.  Anyway-- thanks for reading!  I hope you and yours had a wonderful holiday weekend as well! 

Yours ever,
Myra

Airport Observations

-Dudes:  Don't ever wear sweatpants.  Ever.

-Babies dressed up on Halloween as wizards are cute.  I'm also pretty sure they have magical powers.

-I'm in Miami, Bitch.  (Apparently a popular t-shirt among those living and/or visiting Miami)

-There is at least one baby girl in the world that snores as loud or loudER than any man I've ever heard or seen, and I sat by her and her mother on the flight from CIA to BNA on Tuesday night.

-Ladies-- Just say no to pajama pants in public.  Noooooo ma'am!

-Excuse me-- Mister?  Do you really need to walk through the airport with that pillow STILL around your neck? 

No.  No you do not.  

-

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin alive... - Bee Gees

I'm in a hotel room in Chattanooga typing this...  I ordered room service, washed my hair, started a new book, and am now watching "Pretty in Pink" and blogging away.  "Traveling for work" always sounds much more glamorous than it actually is, am I right?  I used to force myself to go out in strange cities, meet new people, blah blah blah.  I'd probably have a much more blogworthy story if I were doing that now, but it's exhausting just thinking about it, and I love vegging in a hotel room and throwing all my stuff everywhere.  I have a maid here, after all. 
 Another reason, I'm not out on the town is because I'm preserving and protecting my stomach lining.  I had a lovely labor day weekend with friends and then drove down to Memphis on Sunday for a Withers Family Get-Together.  I got to see baby girl

and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We swam, we ate, we talked, we laughed and had a genuinely lovely time...  UNTIL that night when I got home.  I went to sleep around 11 with a queasy stomach, only to wake up at 1 with some gruesome form of a stomach bug that caused me to vomit every half hour until 7am.  I'm not kidding-- I thought I was DYING.  I really did.  And is there anything lonelier than hugging a toilet boil on a cold tile floor that is causing your knees excruciating pain in the middle of the night-- when all you want to do in the whole wide world is sleep??  Sleep because you hurt, sleep because you're tired, sleep to pass some time away in what seems to be the longest night in the history of the universe?  I'm nearly 30 and all I could think about was how much I wanted my momma.  I'll likely think the same thing when I am 80 with the stomach flu, though, don't you think?  Life is funny that way...

Luckily for me- my good friend Melissa Tribble

 was in town for a visit and staying with me.  Around 5am-- I couldn't take it anymore.  I woke her up and sent her to Walgreens and told her to get whatever she could find that could A. help me sleep or B.stop me from throwing up--not necessarily in that order. I told her I was dying... I'm pretty sure she believed me.  My sweet, Melissa! Again--what would I do without you?!  I am on the up and up now, thank goodness!  I'm scared to eat anything besides crackers, pretzels or potatoes though-- just in case...

I will never understand what the big deal about Molly Ringwald was in the eighties, right?  I totally get the appeal of Andrew McCarthy though!  Who remembers Mannequin?! 

Yesssss!  Hahaha.  Okay-- I do believe I'm one commercial break away from the infamous prom scene of "Pretty in Pink" and I've got an early day tomorrow.  I just thought my near-death experience was worth at least a few sentences. 
A little dramatic?  Perhaps.  But you guys weren't there.  I really think I almost kicked it. 

Until next time-
Yours ever,
Myra